Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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