no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
