There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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