I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
