So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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