We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We need to get me chipped asap
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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