did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
