Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
