Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
