and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
