clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
