just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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