So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
