you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
