Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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