I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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