im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
