Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
