Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
