He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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