last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
