You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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