we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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