You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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