I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
