I wish I could teleport
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
