I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
