I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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