my phone needs a breathalizer
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
