Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
