She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
