If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
