As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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