dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
