In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
