some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
