On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
