It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
