I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
