so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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