I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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