Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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