please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
