That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
