the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
