You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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