He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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