if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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