Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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