I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
